The Energy of Change

I have been of a narrow mind lately, focusing on the woes of saying goodbye to Pesus and J, when in fact it is not goodbye, but merely a “see you on the other side, call me when you’ve settled” kinda thing.…
and then i have let that aside, and looked at another, wider frame.

In the past two years or so, near to everyone i know has been undergoing a drastic life change. Major decisions to change lifestyle, form, reason, direction and the like.

this starts with the friends getting married (6 of my closest among others) I know the obvious argument is “well you’re at that age where people around you start getting married”. you’re right, and I won’t over analyse this.
But marriage does change the person, thus affecting our friendship, and directly or indirectly aspects of my own life, even if it is a life only inside my head.. (this is why i keep referring to it as ‘goodbye’. i am simply bidding farewell the form of our current friendship, and not the person themselves, right… )

now other than marriage, myself included, so many people i know have taken major career and life shifts. I went from Marketing to Engineering, my sister Banking to Engineering, a friend of mine from Banker to Fitness Trainer (3 actually), friends leaving their jobs (not because they found a better one but because they decided to not be unhappy anymore), and some opening up their own business, people moving and changing homes and countries (many of those), long term relationships ending, the forever single finding someone….
Truly every where i look there is change, and of the notable kind.

so…in consideration of this and when we stretch that view and look at the world, the Arab Spring, the Snowstorms in Spring, the tsunami’s, all major major events around the globe with a tag line “first in centuries”,…

…i feel a sudden sense of alert, like my emotional and spiritual antennas are picking up vibrations “first” of their kind for me. there is something happening in the world, and it is no coincidence. The movement of energy across the universe (like that butterfly effect) is potent with the power of change, pushing and pulling all elements in it’s way. it has truly toppled over the life of many i know… both in a positive and negative direction. Be wary, this energy is only for change, and not necessarily purposeful or with motive other than ‘to make what is to be different than what was’…

so if you had been dreaming of something else, and if you had been hoping a ‘new’ will come to turn your world upside down, all you need is to stand in the current of this energy and be.

But do hold on to your senses, do keep reminding yourself of the reasons we are here to begin with, and keep sight of what matters to you most: for me it is poetry, to be able to dive into my world of imagination, and to let my curiosity roam as it likes into adventure and unknowns…

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born for the Swiss-Scapes…

what about me…? … working on maintaining the stability i had so successfully established some month or so ago. but even as i say this, i know it is a silly notion. life is not about maintenance or sustainability – i talk now not of consumption of course, but of existence… to “review” my self as i existed in the moments of now… nothing about it is meant to attain and maintain a status quo. it is about what makes this “now” unique to every other “now”.. in Normandy while i walked, lived and smiled in silence a thought came about it in comparison to the swiss landscape, which remains until today my most romantic setting. i fall in love in Switzerland every minute i am there. every passing notion in my head is passing in poetry, in song in colour. i am nothing but an artist when i am there. truly, the world to me is seen as poetry as rhyme and soul. i cannot stop writing while there…, wrapped in poetry i would be, even overwhelmingly, that i would sometimes give up the pen and paper and just glide and float the streets as they pick up my step imagery by metaphor… but in Normandy, as beautiful as it is, as alive as i felt, it wasn’t the same. i am not complaining, or saying it wasn’t a good trip. no no, it was perfectly needed and i wouldn’t have it any other way. i’m just comparing and taking a clear note that it is not travel which inspires me, it is specifically the SwissScape, as the greens and the Lake of Luzern dearly greet me with my name and history, and promise me that i have been born here before… on that note, sharing a poem i had written in Luzern some years ago….

xxxxx

 

Neverland

 

 

Morning’s early mist silently escaped the forest

As not to wake the world.

But I am up

Listening to its hushed hymn

And sweet songs of goodbye

 

Morning’s mist blanketed even the mountains,

A solid promise 

To conceal all the secrets whispered

When it was just us two

 

While the sun rises, 

my mist sinks back slowly,

bashful into the forest, and deep in the mountains.

It is time for this world to wake-

This very moment here

the grass is greener

And the bees are even busier–

Intently aware of my departure

 

And so, and again, love is made in my soul, 

one last time

As I prepare to spend my last day

In Neverland.  

 

 

 

Fati s 

June 2006

 

 

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revisiting impending goodbyes…

in one month’s time i will be bidding farewell to two of my dearest friends. in fact i would even call them equally my soul mates, for the only two people who have the magic to draw out the poet in me with no fail. for the two loves whom as a poet I fall in love with over and over, and find them the landscape to which i can breath i can be…

this post is for Julian and Pesus.

my thoughts, like my heart move from your smile to his lips, from his song to your eyes. in you my poet revive, through you i am alive. but i stand just a breath apart from your goodbye, and as my tears are held in, my love for you struggling within, i know that our parting is even destined for our journey together.

i’m no victim, after all, of forever- but can i not dare to want your heart poured into my cup of life, you the elixirs of dreams fantasy magic, you my poetry my emotions the reasons for my beating heart. can i not say i love you over and over until i die, and cannot i ask that you stay at the same time that you leave somehow.

i shy not and shame not from my tears, and even i celebrate the pain of parting, for it is far more beautiful than the swiss mountains, and deeper than the Normand-side sea, it is greener than the oldest forrest, and even much stronger than me.

to the end of the universe i would follow your voice, and i could hold my breath until i hear you call my name. a million times over i love you, a million times over i take you into my veins-

time and time again history is recorded, and repeated, and man, time and time again will never learn his lesson- but in every cycle for man and earth, you Julian and you Pesus are meant to be loved by me.

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Silence in Etretat- continued

i love irony and the things that weren’t meant to be, but just fit. 

for example my last post, i had shared something, which wordpress again decided to discard and keep only the title. but how fitting was it for the title.. very! 

i had originally decided i was going to go scouting the Normandy area while i was here.  but decided i don’t have time to be a tourist. haha! instead i will be only a writer.  walking down the streets, exploring the brick stone houses, the little gardens, pathways leading upwards and downwards, i am going nowhere except to the moment of ‘now’.  yesterday i stumbled upon a writer’s house- the mansion of Maurice Leblanc, and took in a tour, the beauty is that i was also the only one taking a tour at this hour, and truly got to enjoy the details of the place, his papers, his books and belongings. i even dared grab a book from a shelf and breathed in the scent of the pages (quickly before anyone would come in and tell me i’m not allowed to touch anything- haha)

I imagined myself, like him, like many of the writers we admire, sat at a study enchanted by the garden outside, creating imagining falling in love with my characters, discovering my metaphors, wrapped in inspiration, perhaps even desperation of a writers block.  

the life of a writer is one i aspire to, and am working and leading my path to get there, eventually get to that horizon, that mountain top where i can be for the sake of the written word, for poetry and stories, for moments heartfelt, for adventures of questions finding more questions… a writer a philosopher i am and always have been, even if my life story said otherwise… 

in these days spent, these moments of silence, passing by conversations i do not understand and relish in not understanding, i am not discovering myself, or taking in some drastic revelations on life.  instead i am only just calm, thinking of nothing, my mind in serene quiet.  

alas, my craving for silence is in the state of satisfaction… 

below a couple of pictures taken of Leblanc’s garden

Image

Image

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Silence in Etretat: to feel alive

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On Rebirth: Day 25- from Le Havre, Normandy

writing from a hotel room in Normandie.  the weather is gentle and friendly, and the night young and ending in its prime, is bringing to me a space i can exist in, with no pretence.  the music is familiar begging at the soul, and in my pi’s i wonder what it means that all the moments came together to arrive at the now.  here i am in place where i’m a stranger, the sheer bliss of being no one, and for that i feel like i’m home.  Le Havre (the harbour) has the second largest port in France, and like all peoples inhabiting a place much used to the coming in and going of sailors, adventurers, and merchants from all tiers of life, they live rather nonchalantly and in a mode much like the waves, coming and going with both purpose and leisure all at once.  

i spent most of the day in silence ascending.  slowly i shed the days back home off, the thoughts the people the reasons, pride and assumptions one by one put away, until i reached evening and by then, there was nothing left to keep carrying.  went for a walk in the morning, then indulged back at the hotel with a massage and a sit in the spa.  went back out and discovered more of the city, before i came back again for a nap.  40 minutes exactly, and then it was social social social all through to 2 am. (basically now). yes Fats was giddy and loud, and wonderful, and every bit herself.  as my friend said “Tickets to France = XX euros, hotel = YY Euros, Fati in France= priceless”. it was indeed a good laugh.  

and then there was the food. my palette alive, my senses engaged.  the thing with fish and shellfish, if you want the best part then you have to go in all the way, your hands get messy, your scarf is caught up trying to stay out of the way, you inhale, the scent, the taste, the reds and whites on your platter, the mount of shell on the plate, the garlic butter, the waiter even who won’t smile until finally at the end of the night after much smiling and coaxing.  and the foie gras, of my God kill me!! no really, kill me! KILL-ME-! 

lol

yes it is a blessing to gift my senses the new.  in my experience of silence today, to be on hold now for 4 days, i realize more and more just how much i need it.  i mean, it comes as a returning theme in my writing, but to take it in as a concept and truth in full.  i have craved silence always, but never have i gone this far to get it.  i’ll sit maybe in my room, i’ll avoid calls, pretend i’m asleep.. you know.. but to leave, to get up, get on a flight, and go because even the unsaid thoughts distract and agitate me. wow.  and then to be able to afford doing that.  wow wow.  i am truly fortunate; and boy am i grateful.  in the most humble sense i am grateful.  

well that’s it for now. 

Amore from Normandie 

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on Rebirth: Day 19- some randomness ?

i’ve noticed a few things i don’t like about the blogging lately.

1- my posts feel much too long.

2- i’m a little removed emotionally, in comparison to how i had been during the depression.  it’s not necessarily that i intend to be distant, it’s more that the “feelings” i tap into are from a different source.  i’m thinking more than i am feeling. 

for point 2- (now that i’m thinking about it more) i’m not sure if this is a good or bad thing, or even neither.  will there be days that i am more emotional and days where i am more introspective? or am i back to my “logical” self? shudder

on point 1- not sure how to tackle this. lol. i know i have a tendency to rant, and maybe over express. like an urgency to put a point across and never quite satisfied with my attempt.  it takes a while sometimes to exact your own sentiment.  

 

….

 

you know what i don’t like.  distractions. noise. tv. unnecessary social situations.  

what do i like then?   i like space, and the luxury of owning it.  i like soreness after a workout, and feeling stronger.  i like items organised and stacked in order.  i also like the sound of a door lightly closing.  i like a hearty home made meal (actually those i love).  

and what else do i love?  i love all things with a story.  i love poetry most- of course, and my mother.  i love quiet and near absolute silence.  i love the smell of green and what it does to my soul.  i love a decent challenge (hmmm, well those i enjoy).

and naturally, what else do you enjoy?  gut-felt laughter, the kind that makes everything else stop or fall.  i immensely enjoy a stimulating read.  hats! all kinds of hats! 

speaking of obsessions? mad hatter tea party!  perfect alignment. stationary and toiletries.  specially spoil me stuff, like almond body scrub, concoction hair oil, coconut hair mask, aloe vera body oil, vitamin E face mist, cherry almond lotion, olive body butter, lavender bath salts, cinnamon vanilla candles, rain shower bed spray.  self-indulgence galore! 

 

done now. and also, dinner is served. 

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