on Depression- Day 5 after defeat

i’ve decided to document this “Phase”, and to do so here (of course among my journals and poetry). 

it has been 5 days since i have fully accepted this term “depression”, as my current state of affairs. I have said it in the past few weeks yes “i’m feeling depressed” “i’ve just been down” “the stress is getting out of control”, and it always follows itself, with “but i will be fine, this is just a phase” and “if anyone can get through it, it’s me”.  none of the above has changed, except one.  I have accepted the state of depression in it’s full form; instead of insisting that tomorrow is a fresh start, and i’ll get up dandy and ready to face the day, to fix it all, and start over- surely surely tomorrow. tomorrow never came, and maybe for now, i need stop waiting for it. 

maybe this tomorrow will not come by will, but by time only.  (will continues to play a role, but I will not be so hard on it, as i usually am). my therapist has suggested anti depressants, the first time he insists on it, since i started seeming him two years ago.  this made me worry, this made the statement so much more true, this made it all official.  but i bargained. no pills. no dependency.  mind over matter. please please please no pills. strike a deal? yes! ok, no ‘natural remedies’, no sleeping pills, no relaxants.  and if i achieve that by our next meeting (coming wednesday), then we will continue with therapy without the anti depressants.  (ask me how many more cigarettes a day i’ve been having).  

also ask me how much work i’ve been able to get done, how much i want to sleep more than anything. how many glances i take to my phone and emails, wishing wanting needing someone to reach out, and say “hey. i love you”.  what’s funny is all the i love you’s and hey you’ll be fine, and i’m here when you need me, and try to pray, just keep writing, this too shall pass- they make no difference. sometimes, they even make it worse. much worse.  because i feel guilty, i feel guilty for making those who love me worry, for knowing that their efforts as genuine as they are, are near futile. 

i don’t need your help. i have to do this on my own. where do i ever got such ideas from? pain is weakness, depression is shameful, there is no reason to feel this way, therefore i have no right to feel it. even now, i hate that my ranting is so ineloquent, so unstructured, so unbeautiful, unpoetic, ordinary, pitiful. 

so much of what i hate to read to see in myself, that for now this is enough.  i will continue here, if i can, marking the days, and looking out for the glimpses of hope. 

About fatimasque

living for artimaginationcuriousity
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2 Responses to on Depression- Day 5 after defeat

  1. Joyce says:

    I am sleepy and tired, but I can’t stop reading. I do have to stop. For now one comment: Pain is not weakness, and depression is certainly not shameful, and you certainly have the right to feel it. It’s not a right anyone wants, but it does happen. Fattouma, I know you’re a tough cookie and go-getter, but you are REALLY hard on yourself. Way harder than I ever realized now that I’ve read some posts and skimmed through others. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and your writing. please, please, for your sake and mine, stop being so hard on yourself!!!!! love you.

    • fatimasque says:

      You’re much smarter than I at this. In that you are so right. I am too hard on myself and learning over and over to be nicer to me. I love you Joycie sweetie xxx

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