Today is now and again bitter. yesterday the teaching didn’t help as much, neither did the social outlets. well that’s not fair. they did help a little. beautiful it is when we know our friends love us for who we are, when we know we can say “whoop whoop depression is awesome”, and they will know to laugh because you need them to.
I feel like i ought to say and do better in this exploration of depression, instead of ranting on whatever it is my mind knows not yet what it is about to say. i like structure, it makes me feel safe. i like reason, it makes me sure. uncertainty is the mother of all my evils.
so let me try to find reason here, let me aim for structure, for a constructive methodology on figuring out what it is i’m missing, and what needs to be done, not to fill the void but to rebuild dreams and define new truths. …..
…. screw this Fati, did i not tell you to let it be, and let it be you shall. there are things not for solving, there are ‘brokens’ not for fixing. rant away, understand this only in chaos where emotions can be understood, do not think. do-not-think. feel. feel. feel. only feel. heal heal heal. i promise you, you will heal, but if only you dared to feel and only feel.
ok then. i feel fading, and the only thing left of me is a heart heavy as stone, it does not bleed, it does not bend or break. it is not to be admired for its strength, it is cold to death but cannot shiver, it tells no prophecies of greatness and failure. it is stone, as stone as stone can be. where is your wisdom now dear heart, where is your valour, can you not roar in reminder of tomorrow’s sweeter memories?
my friend Pesus, whose is one of the most beautiful souls to have been poured into mine, is leaving home. the time uncertain, the distance far. he sings. he paints. he smiles. he cries. he loves. he reminds me why i am alive. and so, so afraid i am of what will happen to my soul when it cannot find his flesh close by. he sings for me, and if it wasn’t for his song, my tears would have no where to go but inwards. i have been crying crying crying, for the day i will want to swim away or drown, until i find the ground the shore the coast echoing his sound his smile his soul to pour some more into mine, and as i gasp back into breath, he would have given me better reasons to live…
