so two weeks are almost over since my first announcement of: yes i am depressed. recap? sure why not. the first week was a chained storm of emotion, and as the emotions got solidified on to the second week, from dust to impermeable rock- so the chains got stronger, and more resilient to heat, time, even choice. my last few days have been spent in general numbness. it’s getting harder to smile, and worse- harder to cry. i’m finding it impossible to exercise any muscle, like my things-will-get-better-fati muscle, and believe it or not, my ‘pretend’ muscle is near atrophied.
the only thing i seem to be achieving is getting through the day. BORING!!! and worse > ORDINARY.
look at this. look at me. my reduced to ordinary, regular, everyone goes through this and you’re nothing special moment. even my writing is mundane and unimaginative. what’s the difference between you and a housewife nagging for when are we going to take that holiday you promised, yatiyatiya- what a dread! i’m ashamed now not of my depression, but how i’m handling it. or factually, how it seems to be handling me. even depression won’t give me it’s best, standing aside, apathetic, ungenerous- “i won’t waste tears on you, you wouldn’t know how to break down even if i came in with a bulldozer…”
laugh i shall, one day ahead in time, as i usually do, when i look back at times of darkness or tightness of breath. odd is my sense of humour, when something broken (like a heart), or a denied destiny make for good ingredients to a joke. think you can combine the two together, and do a full skit? i would pay for that show.
generally speaking, human nature at it’s worse has always been a wonderful mystery to me, (like what drives a person to kill, to oppress, to deny herself, to breakdown, to lose hope, etc)… and now that i’m on display, i invite you to come watch and laugh with me.
after all, whats the difference between laughing and crying. isn’t that what Dionysus was all about?