on Depression- day 14 after Defeat

it seems that a deluded part of me has been waiting for some kind of revelation, dealing with this whole ordeal.  some light is supposed to go off somewhere, and then – ah! release of all the unnecessary despair i’ve been carrying around. 

but i’ve been silly, and to put it mildly, naive.  This is not about revelations, because i all i need to know to get over depression, i think i already know.  the rules are basic – 1. hold on. 2. hang in there. 3. know that this shall pass. 4. focus on love and the good things. 5. don’t lose sight of the light at the end of the tunnel. 6. forgive if you need to. you know the drill….  

.. i know all these, and i’m “practicing” them as best i know how to (sometimes). but i missed something big, and obvious to anyone perhaps who wasn’t as too smart for their own good (damn knowing). in fact it is preceding all the above listed, and all them would be futile and irrelevant if not….

to feel that i am falling. and then to let myself fall.  darkness swirling, the intoxication of my own fears- don’t hold your breath, because it’s a long way down. now let go. 

we are such creatures of habit, and it is my habit to pick up the pieces too quickly before they even hit the ground, to nurture, to love, to give myself strength, to take over for the woman in pain, and crusade on, making sure I am working hard, achieving, doing all the things to show her that life is beautiful and more than just worth living.  be strong. be steady, i will not let you fall. (or: i will bury your head so deep in sweet success and worldly distractions, so you won’t have to look up ever to the world around you shattering, shards of the people who have left you behind might pierce in their flight your eyes and veins)

we had an argument last night. i told my strongest self to go. to stop carrying my weight. to stop comforting me. just let me fall, fati. let me fall. and maybe just maybe, if i’m lucky enough i’ll break beyond repair. when that happens, then you feel free to come in and sweep away, collect the cores, and do as you do, magically putting it all together to something even more beautiful and more whole. something that will break differently, the next time it breaks.

can you do that fati, can you leave?  can you let me fall

About fatimasque

living for artimaginationcuriousity
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