on Depression- day 21 in peace with Defeat

wow. 3 weeks. feels like a lifetime. 

today was bad, (look at me using ‘bad’, i’d kill my students for it). ok i’ll start from the beginning. 

today looked like an emotional massacre. (that’s a bit better).  i couldn’t make it to work. i had a huge fight with my dad. i spent the day generally between bed, or crying.  even now, i feel out of place because my only urges are for those two. sleep or cry. but i’m here, despite the urges.  what to bring to the table for this fine evening of despair, the recurring imagery in my head is stuck either between a fall into oblivion, pit-less, dark, humid, cold, and the cursed notion of ‘forever’, or a sweet slit of the wrist (not mine, just a metaphorical existence of my current state), and the drainage of blood is a black stench, dripping slow, veins pulsating the words ‘just let me be’ over and over again; there is no death at the end of this story- just a mesmerised bleeding and sweet eternal release .  my favourite to be honest is the fall.  i imagine myself letting go, like it’s the only liberty i own, the only choice i would make if choosing was left entirely up to me.  

but i have a duty to answer to. as sister, daughter, friend, employer, citizen, human being.  i’m trapped in my love for the people i love. i’m trapped in my sense of responsibility, trapped in my role, my mask, my own strength, my choices to be who i am.  i do not blame anyone for those chains. maybe i do, but i’d be on top of that list, if i were to start listing.  damn you Fati, damn you for adapting, damn you for loving, damn you for succeeding, damn you for giving a damn. 

 

another one of pieces written of late.  

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About fatimasque

living for artimaginationcuriousity
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