i’m bored of depression already. to be honest in all my life, i have been some kind of lion-heart; and in face of trauma, in my darkest secrets, i have stood fists raised, even if the body behind it was crippled the heart betrayed. because perhaps in the past, things had been done by others or a surrounding circumstance, and i being me, refused to be a victim- so it was natural to fight, and victorious was my end in every end.
but this is nobody’s doing, it is solely mine. perhaps this is why i am finding the fight hard. punching myself is not exactly a solution, and the hand which usually holds me, is now the one pushing me down. like a weird condition where my right and left brain are not talking to each other, and whatever one says- the other repudiates. only problem is, i don’t know which one is looking for sanity; and if i did know what side either was on, i still wouldn’t know whose to take.
on a side note (sanity is not always a good solution- that i can vouch for with my life. after all, the moments most lived for me, had often been ones where my mind was dismissed, and i let myself leap in possibilities, no matter what the probabilities said. insanity is sweetly necessary.)
there is no interesting way to express how i feel, without wanting to punch me in the face for not getting on with this already. but there is this i wish to share.
The moment when warrior became just man…
this needs some editing i know. but it’s fresh and new of a kind for me. i’ve decided that a part of my now journey of ‘NOT DEPRESSION’, but of rebirth, i want to explore new forms of writing. anecdotal moments i’ll call it. because one can not only hope for the sun to rise, but stand must he at the window and keep calling for it. (if you know the sun well enough as i do, you know eventually it cannot resist your call)
good night dear readers. may you at least find your true calling, before giving it up, if you absolutely had to.