on Rebirth: Day -9 (i had a dream)

I had the most bizarre dream last night. (lets first acknowledge that YES i slept, well enough to have a dream, with only a minor awareness of it not being real, but the emotions certainly were)

Anyhow, real quick, as I don’t think it’s a key discussion topic (or is it?):

A- Background story: I met a young gentleman recently, and we both agreed that there was a spark and rather intense connection almost immediately.  the kind of person where a 3 hour conversation literally feels like 20 minutes.  Anyway, after minor testing of the situation, for personal reasons on his end, which i respect, we decided to just be friends.  This is fine, I spent about 2.5 days sulking; even to the point where i got angry at myself, at him, at the situation, and then i got a little hopeless at my general luck for finding love. 

B- the dream: I had entered into a ‘living room’, which could have been at my family’s house, and there was a group of women sitting, who had come to ask for my hand in marriage for their son. the groom in line was also there, but I could not see his face.  I sat, and somehow without realising, this was a marriage setting, not an engagement setting, and in a matter of minutes, to my shock and sinking panic, i was signing papers and married to a man whose face i hadn’t even seen yet- comical really.  (just a profile, he looked short and stubby, i could see a small nose, and fat fingers)

So everyone is happy, except for me, who realises i’m married to someone i don’t even think i could be attracted to!  i mean, i have never been opposed to the idea of arranged marriages, but I assume i’ll get to meet the person before papers are signed and women are clapping and dancing.  (Now, my thought process in this dream at that point, is to send a text message to the gentleman mentioned above, to say “save me i been married off” but i’m reluctant, and instead i write “just wanted to let you know i got married”, and then i delete that as well, and just send nothing)

anyhow, everyone is pushing the newly weds to go out, spend time together, actually get properly introduced. We get in the car and my husband takes me to a party; meanwhile he’s quiet and equally uninterested in me.  Then, we reach the party…and somehow he transforms, in terms of looks, even personality.  He was in fact a She, who had done a sex-change operation. The revelation of the hidden identity to this stranger-husband of mine, put me at such odd ease, I was suddenly able to see someone beautiful, full of life, vivacious  funny, even i dare say, someone i could be in love with and a good partner.  (he/she kept alternating between the two sexes in our conversational exchange- this is a dream so that’s ok), There was laughing and there was dancing.  The emotions during that moment were of relief, i thought of the gentleman again, and almost messaged him to say “i am married and have moved on”, but even that never got sent.  (in the dream)  and i just let it go, completely- only looking forward and not back at what could have been… 

— and cut- scene—– dream is over.. 

Back to this morning.  i’m not much for dreams, as a person, what with little sleep i take in anyway, i rarely reach that stage/ depth of sleep to have something of this sort.  But i woke up at ease, as the dream had left me. I was no longer in any kind of feeling of loss, or indignation that the universe just doesn’t want me to end up with anyone.  again and again, things never work out for me, and again and again, i come to the thought “some of us are not meant to be with someone”-

rather, the some of us that are like me, are meant to travel the earth alone.  we will find partners and loved ones, but our journey will always find us standing tall at a cliff, hands chest arms heart wide open for the air, for the green, for the wind, dedicated fully to adventure and exploration.  we will hold the hand of many, and but no one will hold ours, we will love, and be loved back, but never enough to derail. We will feel lonely, but we will also crave to be alone just as often, just as acutely, as necessarily.  

this thought is only half sad, and half extraordinary.  because what comes with it, is what feels like a promise to see the world, to witness the passing of history, to have a life where for every page filled, 10 new blank pages are formed and in waiting for more.  I will have to endure loneliness, i will have to swallow and digest the insecurity of ‘am i just not wanted enough’, i will have to overcome the almost would have beens, rejections, denials, and the whole lot…. but there are worse things than not being loved romantically.  

Some warriors come back home, some warriors stay true to their calling.  

but every warrior knows, that the road less traveled, is more than often, traveled alone. 

About fatimasque

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3 Responses to on Rebirth: Day -9 (i had a dream)

  1. ohcgd108 says:

    this is crazy timely as I am currently re-reading Carl Gustav Jung’s “Man and his Symbols” His main body of work was dealing with the unconscious and that dreams are the most direct way to receive communication from it. He pointed out that while dreaming your body experiences every reaction that you would while awake; physical chemical release, muscle tension, psychological impact, etc….i.e. it is no less real than you “awake” state. Basically, you not being in control does not make it any less real. You body and mind are effected equally while sleeping. Jungians train themselves to become more attuned to their dreams for untainted advice and direction; as do the Tibetans (no wonder Jung was a big follower of Tibetan Buddhism). Sleep easy friend. Woih (Warrior of infinite Heart)…and yes, it’s always a path traveled alone.

    • fatimasque says:

      Dear, your reply brings a smile to my heart. I am a still young fan of Jung, and now inspired to pick up the same after i’m done my current reading. (if you haven’t read, i advise it wholly, and this is my second time reading it 10 years later- the steppenwolf by herman hesse- much on the road traveled alone is explored here as well). Thank you for your comment, and the time to read. we Woih (love the term) understand each other better than any others. with a heart smiling, thank you again.

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