I have nothing interesting to say right now. i’m here because my mind is muffled, confused, and I am unable to focus at work. I had been determined even not to blog for today until later in the evening, as my objective was to dedicate the hours in the office and get a few tasks done. Ask me what i’ve achieved thus far… actually, please don’t.
my friend says I put unreasonable expectations on myself where work is concerned, and she may be right (she probably is). but the thing is, for the lately, i haven’t put any expectations other than ‘get something done’, and even that has been at a minimal. then she says everyone goes through phases of productivity, and it’s ok to have the ‘low’ period. she is also right. (another interjection coming up)
but in the battle and near end of depression, I have faced everything head on, and close to closure with all, except my motivation and drive at work. it is the part still lagging, and still with no tangible or even intangible improvement. Now I have assessed the reason for this, and the answer is definite: I need a challenge, a real challenge. There simply isn’t one. there are issues, and problems arising, and much to get done- but no intellectual challenge, no opportunity to learn something new, only to use and reuse the skills and knowledge already on my shelves. (if you know me, you know this is killer. something easily done is more likely not to get done, because of the OH MY GOD MIND-NUMBING-NESS OF IT)
I have come up with a possible solution for this, which I will be discussing with management by tomorrow latest. I will ask to be transferred part time to our branch outside of the country, and see if a new market will give me the challenge I need. The two countries are close by enough that I can live almost half between the two, without inconvenience or trouble. if I am facing a fear, an unknown, entering a place for the first time, if i need to acquire a whole new area of knowledge- then I strive, then I have a reason to wake, a damn good one too. “What will i learn today” literally makes me jump out of the bed with excitement, drive, reason, focus. i need those. I cannot keep getting paid without giving back. I am not that person, and I refuse to take advantage of the situation being in family business. it is simply not right, not ethical, not fair.
Still underground, and to be honest, rather enjoying the quiet.