on Rebirth: Day -1 (the Steppenwolf and I)

10 years ago (ish), I picked up the novel “the Steppenwolf” by Herman Hesse.  At that time, the book changed my life.  it annihilated and revived within me something of the common and then something of the artist(s) in me.  I recall being drawn and swallowed in by the world of Harry Haller (Hesse’s protagonist); i remember best of all, how the chemicals in my mind took into reactions, how my hormones raged and my body extended it self, how my mind opened up and my being was sent into a dangerous escapade.  the deeper into the book i went, the further my reach into myself, the wider my arms extended to the universe.  Yes, by the time the back cover had been turned, I was someone else.  I had adopted a bit of Harry in me, and released some of the Harry who had been in me prior; the man and the wolf alike.  Since then, I always knew i would come back to the steppenwolf- for what he had done to me and for me… 

Point is?

in the course of this depression, I had realised that it was indeed time to adopt the Steppenwolf again.  and I did.  Half way through already, and I find that in my age today, in who i had become in this wonderful 10 year journey of gains and lessons, my relationship with Harry has changed just enough, just perfectly, for him to be what I need him to be today.  and he is, he is very much as i need him.  

I relate to him still, but under different terms. and if i but could, if i could, i would find a way to meet with Herman Hesse himself and hold him.  to tell him that I understood him and that I loved him.  (the steppenwolf is a fictional autobiography of HH-).

in the point of the novel where I am now at, Harry is about to experience his own type of “rebirth”, as I shall be by tomorrow.  Truly i cannot wait to take that step together with a man real and fictional all at once.  I feel ready to break out of the womb of my mother nature, to rise from the underground.  i didn’t trust i would be, but i think i am.  and as all the new born, i will sit in idle for a while, mind and heart blank, taking in the basics, learning the essentials, i shall then crawl walk run until i fly.

(and after that a natural cycle of death, underground and rebirth all over again?) (hehe, sure why not, ….)

i leave you to it now, spending the last day underground absorbing all i can in the silence,  (you know the deeper you go, the richer and fuller are the makings of life in the soil and rocks)  – yes, that’s the whole point! 


See you with the rising of the sun

About fatimasque

living for artimaginationcuriousity
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