What i’ve noted to be enjoying about blogging of late, similar to my journal entries, is that I come in with no real agenda. in fact, when i start my mind is blank, then it animates a mirror to the page as i’m spewing whatever it is (haha) (
my mind is the mirror to the page, not the other way around- the readers aren’t idiots you know, stop it you sound like your brother).
Now- while this has always been the case, in the past, it gave me a bit of anxiety and discomfort to be so unprepared; but now i think i’m a little more comfortable in this space, this online arena which has been horror as a concept for so long before…. and the bigger beauty is that although i know there is an audience, i do not even feel the urge to filter. in fact, my alter voices have been coming out here even more so than anywhere else before. But i don’t think that’s a result of the blogging space, so much as my recent realisations and acceptance of them. they have matured much in fact, simply by mutual acknowledgement, and instead of each just going off on their own tangent, they have conversations. i like it a lot.
anyway….. all the above is neither here nor there… i’m still on basics, and i think for today i’ll discuss family
Family: Individuals or a group whom we have been born or adopted into, and share common traits like physical features, and common worries, frustrations, and joys such as love for Nephew’s/brother/son darling grin, or worry for brother’s/son self destructive behaviours. etc syn: Safety Net, Unconditional love, Source of your Issues/ Insecurity/Strength/ Worse and Best Traits.
I am 82% my Family, and 18% myself. i’m a pure by-product of the sum and multiplication and subtraction and division of each my Parents, and both siblings. Being the youngest gives also much to this equation, since i came last, and had the best and worst of advantage to be weaved and designed as I have been, by them. I feel often that I have somehow taken on the best and worst of each of their traits. Then, being around them, since i live with family, really packs and tightly protects those traits all around and about me.
Keep in mind that even when you rebel against your family, break as hard as you can, in a strive to be unlike them- they remain a constant in that equation, the variable is only the direction you go, thus making you still a by-product of family. There are traits of my father and mother, even both siblings, which i worry that i’ve taken on, and i worry more that I will inflict the same on my children. Yes the word is inflict, for my absolute consciousness of the ‘unhealthiness’ of it. BUT. that being said….
a realisation came to me i remember in high school- i was maybe 16 (and this i need to remind myself now and again btw)… our parents are human. as human as we are, as affected by their own past and histories as we are, as fearful and insecure as anyone else. and they even grew up in a generation where ‘parenthood for dummies’ didn’t exist. When i realised this, i learnt to forgive them their mistakes, their inflictions, I understood that they are learning and going along with this just as much as i am; and in most case scenarios of family (not all i know this- but definitely in my case at least) they really do heartily believe that they are doing the best for you. (even if it is in fact the worst).
Finally as i gotta go. The safety net. In this culture where i come from (at least) the beauty of family is the solid, non breakable safety net i have . I live with my family, this is the cultural norm, and i will continue to do so until / if i am married/ or leave to live in another country.
I will always have a home to go to. I will always have food on the table, I will always be able to call my sister up and say “come get me”, and she will get in that car, or on that flight, or even on foot if need be, and she will come get me. I can say the same not only for my immediate family, but even extended family like some of my cousins, and even some friend who are now in the status of family.
This is what it means…
and for that, I know. I have no real worry in the world.