i’m a creature of habit, obsessions, fixations, (you know)
So, for the past 4/5 months, i’ve had the exact same breakfast every morning. and on days i couldn’t, I would feel like my whole day has shifted sideways uncomfortably. I can go ahead and the get the going going, but i remain peeved and feeling like my will is a half pulled muscle. the start and end of every day is set and determined. that being said, everything in between (if the two are in absolute congruence to the “should be”) is up to the day itself, and i put no pressures to meal, activities, even mood. anything goes, as planned or not.
now even when i fixate on a single meal for my brekkie or dinner, usually it switches over to a new obsession within a month or so. This was for sure the longest stretch i’ve had… until, believe it or not- the day of Rebirth. as though my palette and subconscious had a conversation over night while i slept, i woke up wanting something else. and for the past 4 days, i’ve sampled a different brekkie on each day. yippy yay. this makes me feel like i was spot on, and that the Rebirth is beyond a metaphor for false hope (wow fati), and I have in fact, through and through, awakened in full from my depression. (yes this was a worry) you know i was sure of it all along. – sure, but you had no say in all this remember? lol.
so where am i going with this fixation topic? am i still at basics…? hmmm tad lost. i completely lost my trail of thoughts here…. damn it.
i’m thinking… basics…. the reason for routine is not tangible. therefore does it remain to be necessary and idealistic, or just more nonsense ‘in our head’. and if we can control (not control fati!!). right right right!- (slip up) (heheheehehehehehe) ok, (as i compose myself)..ok if we can let go of the “should haves”, and ‘this is how it has to be’, would the world really upheave or fall through, in chaos?
hmmm. no fati. it’s not about the world going into chaos. not at all. it won’t and you know it. but it’s about learnt behaviours, it’s the reason man has built measuring tools, rulers, the reason for cubic meters, and justifications even for “that box” people keep wanting you to think out of. to keep the proportions we want, the ones that maintain and hold our comfort. there is nothing wrong with a check list, as long as you know that you own it, and not the other way around. for example: I know that i prefer to have applied my foot lotion pre-bed. i know it because when i have forgotten or been too lazy in the past, i was unhappy with the softness of my skin when i woke up the next morning. i know it’s not the end of the world, but i like my skin to be soft. it’s a simple type of happiness.
in fact, if we are to dare be comical about it, routine makes me better ready for spontaneity. once you’ve got your measuring tools in hand, (the equation known,) then you can apply all variables under the sun, right? you know you need your coffee, and after that- anything goes!
ok….. seriously gotta run.