My mind had been a scatter, just a little, in the past week. not for lack of organisation or purpose, but a simple period of adjustment to the new as rebirth takes full form. Like moving into a new house, setting up the furniture, and making sure the items which are most personal to you are placed on mantles and framed on walls- making sure as soon as possible, to make it home.
so i have set my home, i am done the unpacking, and i have found in my rebirth lingering fears ready to be faced, and hopes reassumed for the sake of my tomorrow.
“now the old king is dead, long live the king”. they had it right. and in the discovery of basics i feel well rooted now, and at the same time free to roam. these basics, all of which I truly wish i could have shared as i had been sampling them over the past week, but alas with what time permits me, I could not. and they are all now vanished deep into my subconscious. like the idea that we are told by angels as we are children the story of our life, so that we may forget it and go on living in wonder and discovery. it is the same. but the idea of death lingers, because for every beginning, the end must be anticipated. i am speaking both of another metaphorical death that may come, but also and mostly of the actual death of my body, the end of my life. when the lifeline monitor will make a single flat line sound, and my loved ones will bring their head down in tears for their loss.
what we don’t know is that the tears after death are cried for ourselves, not the ones who are gone. this death for me is as an idea the sweet release and what makes life so beautiful to be lived. Death makes everything matter, and makes nothing matter all at once for me. i find such solace and comfort in knowing that life has an ending. someone said recently, “if we could live eternally, we all would take that option”. and i couldn’t help but disagree to the core of me. If i thought there was no ‘deadline’ (pun slightly intended), then i would not strive to make the today matter, because tomorrow is always an option. we humans are lazy, and if tomorrow is available, we will go after it. the thing with tomorrow is that it never really comes now, does it.
we fear death, because we are afraid it will come sooner than our readiness for it. we fear death because we are attached to what we have made of life and ourselves, of loved ones, possessions, ideals, memories, the liberty of having a name to be recognised by. we fear death because we do not know any better.
death comes to us all, thank God for that. and readiness has nothing to do with it. if you have lived your life in full, every single day, if you have loved, hated, angered, hurt, been broken, laughed, and second guessed yourself, then you are”ready” to die at any given moment. what would be the possibility of a life story unfolding is irrelevant. memories are intangible, accomplishments are headlines easily forgotten because today always overshadows yesterday. and if today i died, then that is my headline; and that’s just fine.
do we crave tomorrow, of course we do and we should. to know death is coming, is to crave all the flavours of life.
then there is the flip side, the beauty of death again and again. where knowing it, is to know nothing matters just as well. if i am going to die anyway, then pain becomes a funny matter. so do shame, fame, my name, and everything under the sun and moon. one day there will be no one to remember, and the many days that follow that, the insignificance of my life time and life form continues. If i had been laughed at, it won’t matter. If i felt pain, then in my death i will not feel it (assuming i’m naive enough to hold on to that pain until death finds me). for every failure, every fear, every pang of guilt, every moment looking back and wondering if it could have been done better- my death makes them inconsequential. we are small, tiny creatures merely passing through the world, and soon as we leave, in the lifespan of life, we will be forgotten; very few truly continue, truly leave a presence to be reckoned with, very few in fact make the course of time actually shift. it is us who hold on to memory, not the other way around.
therefore, let us not take ourselves too seriously.
because i know i will die, i can laugh at myself, because i will die, i want to live a life overwhelming with passion- because i will die, i am free from everything in this world.