Awareness it seems is not a common trait among ‘the herd’. i know it sounds god awful egotistical, but this statement comes with reason and a specific intent. A little background before i start praising myself. lol.
In the past, which encompasses my mid to late teenage years, I was generally very happy to not have any ‘close’ friends. I made “common circumstance” friendships, many acquaintances, and kept myself entertained in several social scenes- so many people felt to be my friend, but I kept them only close and far enough not to realize that i didn’t in fact receive them as intimately as i led them to perceive. why? it was is/just my nature i guess. I found no reason to lean on anyone, or form a real connection worthy of opening up a channel freely and without reservations. when i cried, i cried alone, and when i wrote, i never shared. (wondering now whether i should fast-forward to today, or jump into another story which has changed this…) … hmmmm……………..Second story it is..
then in my college years i formed a friendship with G, which had already existed since high school, but never brought to real maturity until much later. in G i found not only a friend, but a companion. we went on to become supremely intimate. i even called her my wife (and to this day refer to her as my ex-wife). G was my saviour, my caretaker. she bathed me when i was ill and couldn’t move, she brought to life in me my curiousity and love for questions, and she laughed at all my jokes. we cuddled, we giggled, we did everything together. this relationship made me realize what it is like to love unconditionally, to open up that channel, to accept, and mostly to feel at home in somebody’s embrace. it opened me up to vulnerability for the first time in my life. to say it was as beautiful, is to say less than least. My separation from G a few years ago (when the wife became an ex) was painful. possibly one of the most agonising experiences i’ve had, everything in me was broken. and though i had been convinced that i would never find the same again, thank God, it did not close me up- it did not send me back to that state of absolute and decided isolation.
so.. some years came and went, leading up to the recent. a friendship like that of mine and G’s can never be repeated. even what we have found today between us is unique and most special to me; but i have allowed others since, from then to now.
so on the now.. yes i have allowed many since, a handful plus of individuals encountered in my life journey, and in our cross roads, we have found something to exchange, pieces of our heart, our soul, laughter and appreciation. for those persons in my life, who i have chosen to bring into my heart and who i have given pieces of my soul to, i am thankful, i am humble. and this is where awareness comes in.
I am acutely aware of the fortunes and privilege bestowed on me by destiny, time, the universe, and God; these fortunes are not of wealth, good luck, or anything other than persons. for each of these individuals i feel intense admiration- these persons who i have kept because they inspire, because in their presence and through their shared experiences i urge and dare to be a better person. I am aware of their role in my life, and i ask them of nothing but to be themselves, honest and pure in my company- for the only promise i can and will give is that I shall do the same. and in the moments shared with my beloveds, i am in an intense level of consciousness to how alive i feel, how enraptured in the moment and taken in- so that only us two exist, and I am changed every time we walk away- until the next. not only am i in awareness, i am also in determination to ensure that my feelings, my appreciation, admiration, and deep love is known. I cannot pass a moment where love is felt, without sharing and confessing. even if you know how much i love you. i must tell you every time i come to feel it, every time it comes to feel me, lift me, make me.
see, this i thought it was a given. but coming to realise now that the way i conduct my deep friendships are rare. people do not as often or as easily confess affection to their friends, they do not write love letters, they do not give in to the urge for a deep and soul-felt hug. they are not even aware of the person’s role and blessing in their life. instead it is taken as a for granted given. but it is not.
so for the person or persons in your life, who make the soul in you rise, realize and actualise. love intently, dare to be vulnerable, open yourself to the possibility of being broken. because nothing else could make you more whole.