I will carry on here, as though it follows from the conversation in the prior post…. So after the diagnosis I had desperately desired to not undergo another operation.
I was mortified, I cried nonstop. the only thought that enslaved my mind was “I don’t want to have another operation, I will not have a KNIFE go through me again” as though that knife was gonna cut into my soul. (i still think they actually do)
So fati goes on line, and researches fibroids, what modern medicine, what western medicine, what energy, what everyone and everything had to say about it. This little online venture explained to me my initial gut instinct to Quit my job…. and I quote: “…fibroid tumor represent our creativity that was never birthed, including ‘fantasy’ images of ourselves that have never seen the light of day and creative secrets of our other ‘selves’. Fibroids also result when we are flowing life energy into dead ends…”
Flowing life energy into dead ends!!! Spot on. I mean the family business is not a dead end for itself. but it was for my creative energy, for the writer in me, for the adventurer the dreaming poet. I read this exactly on June 3rd, as I have a capture screen from the post. Now i’ll give you a little flashback; on April 22, I wrote an email to a friend, actually my first muse (this is like saying my first love), lol anyhow, this is what I said:
“It feels like the whole of my creative existence is trapped, and all this pent up energy is compressed into dark clouds and for the love of me, if only I could cry, cry words, cry poetry, cry love”
I knew. even 2 months before a confirmed diagnosis. the ‘cloud’ inside me for trapped creativity … spot on. When I realised this, It wasn’t a light bulb going suddenly on situation. It was more like a discomfited wake up from a nap that was too long for a nap, and not long enough for a good nourishing sleep. You know the kind that leaves you stiff and disoriented. I was opening my eyes, and realising i’d slept for too long. But the beauty, is that it was at least still daylight…
so where am I going with this right?
The Total Moral:
I believe, that the Universe had already given me, time and again, every clue every vibration I needed, to know that I ought move along and face my calling. But my rationale (ego) kept at the logic, the sense of responsibility, the guilt, the expectations of my life, what I thought was right and sensible, and I created imaginary restrictions like ‘but i need a stable income’, and blah blah blah. Trust me, too many blah blah blah’s.
So for the universe, it became clear, that the only way to wake this girl up, is to jolt her. to hurt her. otherwise, she will not feel the actual pain that her soul is writhing under.
Meanwhile, my subconscious knew all along what was happening to me. Hence, the gut instinct to quit, the words I had expressed to a friend, and if I search I bet I can find a few variations of these slight moments of ‘knowing’ ‘without knowing’.
I used to always boast my connection to the universe, and specifically would say “You know mother nature she feels me, she listens to me, she loves me, the universe it always gives me what I ask for”. I stand to this still, vehemently too… but my epiphany is this:
The conversation and the listening was only ever one way. Where the universe listened to me, I never listened back.
This “Total Moral” is now central to some activities I am undertaking, which will be found in future posts. but for now. Please think about your own conversation with the universe. your own intactness with what your subconscious knows… trust your emotional gut, more than your ego’s rationale.
I thought my channels had been open, didn’t realise that was only half true.
truly yours -fatimasque