:So She puts on a little music. She looks out the window. words, if only you found me whenever i came looking for you, this love affair could go by any name.
Ah yes… The journey from ‘there’ to here. While the ailment had put my life into perspective, there were other forces at play as well. These forces come into, as forms of coincidences… (but my faith in ‘coincidence’ is rendered with its own paucity. I am in fact all about divine design).. anyhow here they are:
a- a trip to india, which came as a birthday gift from a friend. (Yes I have friends made of earth’s generosity) It was only 3 days post diagnosis where I was scheduled to leave and see the Taj Mahal. Oh so opportune: I found and scheduled to see a Pranic Healer, for India is the mother of the alternative. fast-forward. In summary, he revealed to me: I have a super woman complex- I have an impenetrable shell to my back with an imbalance of energies between my ‘front’ and ‘back’/ he described me as a tortoise – My layers are thick and I need to learn how to ‘receive’ – The world problems are not my responsibility- and the main dish: I am not going with the flow of the universe. (what??) … so this is how it all breaks down (also in summary, and please mind/note the recurring theme i shall relate):
1- Super woman complex + world responsibility: Yes yes, I do get caught up wanting to fix the world, and assign myself as strong enough that I don’t need to be taken care of.. “fati is always alright and dandy as ever”, my motto, is ever a fallacy which so many women fall into, something furnished by the 21st century modern woman milieu. (& the EGO)
2- But a lesson, and a lesson ever worth learning is the concept of ‘receiving’. At first the reaction is “No No I insist, I take what I can as much as I give, and I seek to balance my exchanges on all fronts“. here’s the joke. Taking and Receiving are not the same thing: To take is an ‘exerted’ action. where I am The subject, and dictator of the barter. but to ‘receive’, makes me the object recipient to the exertions of an other, which i am humble to and grateful for. the choice is not in taking, it is in accepting that i need to be given to. What i’m saying may seem simple, but to me, taking was always easy while ‘receiving’ is as foreign as i’ve ever come across… and I travel a lot. (the EGO)
3- the flow of the universe and my self created illusion to how I stand within it. Fallacy 1. If I am standing, then there’s something wrong already. If universe applications act ultimately as an ebb and flow, or a current of energies… then why am I standing at all. to build on this: while the universe had its own aspirations for me, I was in all factuality swimming against the current (not even just standing, damn!). Assuming that I ought take control of my life, choices, every step to be calculated. Fati fati fati… what silly self importance you had. Where my heart was telling me to seek a life of literary pursuits, my actions and choices insisted to put these feelings ‘off’ until the ‘right time’. (the EGO)
> When I mix and stir all the above, it comes out as one thing: The power of the ego is a power we can live without, in fact preferably so.
(now, back to the reaffirming “coincidences”)
b- at the same time I was reading the following: Bertrand Russell autobiography, and Carl Jung auto-b. as well. My have they served to illuminate my darknesses.
From Bertrand, other than the moments of laughter and warmth I shared with him in the tellings of his life, friends, sentiments… there was his insistence to refuse a career most profitable, preferring to have a life of purpose instead. to dedicate himself to what he deemed worth for the sake of himself and mankind all together. Wow. I could never have coined that alone. a life of purpose. not a career. I wanted that, I craved, I yearned. a life for poetry, a life where I can prove the power of the written word, if by only allowing myself to melt and reform within it.. even now my breathing just got deeper and my heart rose a little out of my chest…
then there was something like a lightbulb, no no wait… when she looked far ahead, it was the sun, rising again even midday. the shadows moved from under her, and the road ahead was clear, it was smooth, there were no diversions.
and as for Mr. C. Jung…. oh he twists me upside-down (i’m still in reading him.. and with him it’s a start of a whole new epic… which will be a main theme to my upcoming posts). He is all about how i’ve come to understand my ego, and its role with-in and with-out.
Which finally brings me to
The Total Moral
The ego over-shadows all other senses. It stands to confuse the vibrational exchange between me and the universe, it displaces the frequency, static is the result naturally. It has fabricated divergence in the roads i’ve journeyed. It has assumed a thirst for security, for power, for strength, for control. in it’s stance of seeing all and knowing best, it has made a blind fool of me, disconnected from my far wiser subconscious. It takes reign over the wheels, when in fact, one ought release, and only ride only float with the currents of the universe.
Now i’m not saying that I have come to, and forfeited my ego just yet. But yes, this is my journey within, and i’ve only just taken the first step.