my ultimate insecurity

Yesterday I was at a meeting with a ‘media’ company. basically ones who do websites, brand, design, etc…  (ok, quick background on me so you know why and how I was there):

I am a person of many ‘talents’, and my passions combined with things i’ve ventured to learn, combined with professional experience, allows me to make money doing any of the following:

1- Teaching (private tutoring) all subjects all ages practically. it varies a bit. but whatever the subject I can teach. I also teach english writing, and business english communication. 2- copyright work. this ranges from creative to highly dry and technical (campaign ad, to safety manual). 3- editing: also ranges form the creative to masters thesis, to business contract, to whatever. 4- marketing consulting. brand development to marketing strategy. 5- project management. oh god you name it. i’m great at sussing out every detail when it comes to creating a step by step process to reach a goal, and then actioning it to final product. very organised, very logical, type. 6 -Develop corporate processes (like procedures and policies etc)

possibly there is more to the list, but that’s irrelevant, i’ve made my point.  what makes it all possible really is my willingness to try everything and anything, and a trait for hard work, perseverance. whatever it is, i love to learn it.

anyway.. so this is what I was doing at the media company, offering a set of my services as a barter exchange for them to do a website for me. (now that I have no steady income, I have to be rather frugal with all expenses). so they have accepted my initial offer and we will meet again to finalise the terms of the barter. i’m ever so excited.

So as it is, there is a project which would render my end of the deal, and it is related to a specific brand being built. This is where the actual story starts:

now let me tell you about this brand in short. if I were to give it a personality, I would say she is a lot like me. daring, adventurous, will try and loves to learn anything. pretty loud when she’s in the mood, no fear of being wrong or voicing a controversial opinion, she takes risks of the emotional, physical, and whatever other kind… I related to the brand a lot, and was so happy at how opportune it is that it would serve as the setting for services i shall provide.  Anyhow, when we were in the meeting talking about the persona and how it will be designed etc, one of the gents at the meeting said “you know, if it were a woman, she’s the kind of woman you just really want. you want sleep with her, and marry her… no no wait, I wouldn’t want to marry her. actually you even couldn’t marry her.”

right there, my consistent doubt, my ever so sharpest insecurity.

Now: I boast not, when I say I find myself easily loved and welcomed in so many platforms where i’ve boarded:

1- I can see me from the outside: I can step out of my form and realise what a snazzy, interesting, funny entertaining strong, and independent personality I am.

2- always a great friend: all my friends will tell you i’ve been their rock, and will come to me in their darkest hour when they need not to be judged and need help. yes i am that person for many of my friends.

3- I have been desirable: and then some men may tell you how sexy and desirable I may be found to them. not just physically, but also as an attractive personality.

but it is these very same somethings about me, which make me perhaps unique or adored as a character, as a friend, that somehow make me exactly undesirable as a romantic partner. specifically as a girlfriend or wife, someone a man would want to commit to, would want to make his, would want to share his life and person with.  I find myself hitting this same wall, this same conclusion again and again, and to be honest as much as I put hope that I will find love, (a returned and exchanged love) so.. a relationship.. as much as that hope is hard to hold on to.

at some point I told myself that i’m silly for thinking this way, and if there is a someone like me, then there is a someone for me. but my ‘dating’ history would prove only the opposite. I am 32 and yet to have this.

then the reaffirmation of the young man’s comment hit home and hit hard. now he’s a darling and an actual friend of mine, so i take no offence from him. I know and understand what and why his ration was. i’ve seen it ever too often already, trust me, i’ve been rejected as many times as i’ve been invited.

Please know: i have found much warmth and comfort surrounding me, and i say even that I am fulfilled with the love that has been given to me in this world. more so, I am fortunate for it. for I have the most beautiful friends who love me ferociously. I am also confident in who I am, and my self esteem is generally healthy. So its not self-esteem, and definitely not that my life is missing something.

but this steel woman also craves to be delicate in someone’s arms. she craves to know that someone special would want the start and end of his day to be her smile. she wants to be held in an embrace, and taken care of.  I want to find a man strong enough, so that I can put my own strength aside, and just curl up in his adoration of me, and purr.. lol

but i am insecure about this to such an incredible extent.  what if i’m just not lovable in that way specifically.  what if my heart body and soul will never be wanted in one package, but rather sold only ever separately. just as i’ve experienced again and again.

this is my ultimate fear, this is my ultimate insecurity.

About fatimasque

living for artimaginationcuriousity
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