I hope you believe me when I say my Ego is cunning, wily, and an ever calculating fox. Here are some adjectives I would give it, with corresponding explanations of when…
1- Manipulative (by default). Even as a teen, I was aware that I could manipulate teachers and student peers to my likings. To the point of changing a whole activity in PE class (which had the highest votes to play football, and I wanted to play hockey) – we ended up playing hockey of course. haha. (yes yes that’s my ego laughing). but this is a small instance, and done on purpose. This is not so bad as when I am manipulating others without even my awareness of doing it.
I caught myself once manipulating my brother at the family business to take a certain stance on a matter, which lead to certain actions. Now while I had the best interest of the company at heart, the way in which I lead his emotional and mental perception, was underhanded and might I say calculating. I swear I was not aware that my actions were manipulative. It was just the way i went about it, it was “instinctive”. when all said and done, and I got the results i wanted, I realised how I had done it. honestly, I was ever so angry and ashamed at myself.
2- Exclusive: My ego presents itself to me as a protector. It tells me that I don’t need anyone to be happy, to survive, to help me get through pain or hardship. When I first went to the Pranic Healer, and he asked me who my guardian angel was, my “instinctive” reaction was “I am my own guardian”. The Ego has taken me all to itself, refusing to share me with any other. Blinding me even to the fact that “I am not alone”. Growing up I had bad experiences with friendships, where overnight all the girls at school would turn against me (because of my faulty honesty). I believe this is where the Ego kicked in, to protect a little girl from being harmed by bullies, from being broken. Yes it held me together… but then by default, it kept holding me together and holding me apart from others. even when I didn’t need it to.
3- Concrete like, Determined and Resilient. Yes yes. all seeming great qualities for an individual. and true, the Ego has made of me a persevering individual. But this resilience has held me at bay where the heart could have leaped. When I fell in love, ever a while ago, the Ego would not let me have it. So much that my mind could never entertain romantic dreams of the person i loved. it convinced me that I couldn’t love him because as soon, if, my thoughts would drift to his embrace, my head would (i kid you not) shake violently, no no no, this is not right. It did not want me to bear any of hope or rejection, specially here, specially with this man. This man is now long gone from my reach.
Then there is my now attempts at meditation, and at going further into my unconscious state in order to reach the subconscious (this is a WHOLE story/post/ telling of its own- will get there eventually). but basically, whenever i feel myself slipping into ‘wholeness’ with the energy of the universe, the ego starts to loosen up… and then just when -eh – about- eh -to… it WAKES. no no, it bloody jolts… “no no no fati, no honey, you’re not going there”. and I am back at my forefront consciousness. …. double darnit
Now, Credit to the EGO:
It has given me much. It has allowed me to triumph where else I would have fallen. I used to be in love with my EGO at some point. and have heard the joke “how do you get through the door with an Ego that big”, “I walk in sideways” laughing and proud I would be. I knew who i was, I knew what i wanted, i knew everything. i knew i was smart, i knew i was special, and unique, i knew i was a force to be reckoned with. (this is not good, trust me)
but more than that, it was also the ego that has pulled me out of certain depressions, that has made me get up after a failure and try again. because “fati sweetie (or sometimes, fati you dimwit) this is not acceptable, now get up and go get em”. it gave me all of harsh love and good love. but now…
now, in following the post just before this (where I expressed my ultimate insecurity of being un-lovable romantically) the Ego came into play again. and its been telling me the following:
1- Fati, you don’t need to be loved in that way, you don’t need it and you know that romance is no necessary ingredient for happiness.
2- Fati, some of us built this way, are done so for a specific reason. it’s because you are designed as special and unique, and there are bigger plans for you in the world. God has a role for you, and you cannot deter from it.
3- you’ve never needed people to make you happy. you are sufficient for all your needs. you are a warrior, and you must travel alone, you must be your protector, your own embracer, your own…
BUT AND THEN,
Damn it. Back in the day when this record was played in my head, it strengthened me. it gave me a sword and a shield, and it pushed me onwards and forwards, with resilience, with blind determination to actualise my ‘calling’ and my role for this world, for the people in it.
But now… as urged as I am, I really am trying to resist being convinced by this. The Ego, it takes a hold of me, and then I try with all my might to take it off, like a layer of clothing on for so long it has embedded itself as part of my skin.
for the first time ever, I rather feel lonely than strong. it’s harder than you think.