It seems that my 6 month period of illness, and all the drugs ingested into body, mind, and soul (chemical, natural, and hormone- some still clashing in my system btw) has created a little monster in me… it seems that all the pain endured, and the related physical disassociations have caught up. In good timing, to be fair. This psyche state at least waited until the concoctions for crazy were complete, and said- here hun, I got a great dish for you. haha
Yes, another Insomnia spell like there ain’t no tomorrow. Though to be fair, I have managed up to 4 hours straight last night, and then 5 hours two nights ago. apart from that, i’ve been lucky to get a maximum of 3 splintered hours on some nights, to none on others. Anyway, this is just detail.
What happens to your body when it has missed out on sleep is one thing. What happens to your mind, is a whole hell lot worse. First of all, I dither, dither dither. A question like ‘want coffee’, becomes a psychological dilemma. “Do I? Do I, Do i want coffee..?” So desperately I ask like my life balance is in question. It’s a combined no and a yes and then another million points of view to anything, it’s an i don’t know even to everything. Then obsessive thoughts, the Ego ever haunting my a.m. prattles and babbles. The voices all over again, each louder than the other. I am desperate for distractions. I cannot write in my journal. like there’s a block of concrete fire standing between me and my journals, I bloody kid you not.
Anyway, another doctor visit, another diagnosis of mild depression, another prescription of drugs which I generally prefer to get high on rather than medicate with. so naturally i refuse to take them. So it gets me wondering, what is it about me and the many like me who are ever prone to these imbalances, and what is it about our experiences that makes it harder to get through without building some kind of monument of the occasion?
But like always, my intent awareness of this insomniac depressed state activates my will every immediately to get back on a happier track. went for a swim yesterday, buying a guitar tomorrow, (i’m taking guitar lessons). etc etc. anything, right, anything not to take anti depressants. lol. though for the first time i’m tempted. but maybe its because for the first time I have let this state fully take over actions and extensions of myself onto others. I cannot relate the whole story here, but needless to say- I do experience shame and guilt for being ever a worse version of myself.
Then there is my own and additional diagnosis for this state (other than being an after effect of illness and rampaging hormones). I think the Ego is ‘consciously’ aware of my initiations to releases it from control. It is terrifically terrifying, to suddenly feel blocks where my mind was, shackles where my will resides, barbed wires where my skin is supposed to be. I say “mantras” of the new found hope and wisdom i’ve found in taking a new journey, but I feel none of it anymore. its just play and repeat. DAMN ME. Why, Ego, why, I Ask you. Do you not want happiness, dreams, alter-parallel horizons… all these things are inevitable in your release. It takes you going away, to get all the things you want gotten.
anyway, this is me for today. As of last night I have given my self 3 challenges I am to maintain as best possible. Continue regular swimming and some form of exercise. Write mini affirmation poems daily. and nothing else for the publishing, coz my writing has been crap. and then journaling every night. I think that’s fair and simple. no.