For the love me, I am every oscillating between emotions high and low, and cannot find that specific release. But it is not the emotions that are the problem, so much as my incapacity to shake them off and let myself get busy with the things i must do.. like the job i need to finish up this morning, and the research i need to get through for the upcoming job next week. I am up, rise and not so much shine, but early enough to get all that needs the getting done. plus spend the friday with my family, to which I have ready packed a swim suit for a feel good jump in the pool. I know it’s there, i just can’t see it (the feel good).
a part of me always wishes i had studied the human anatomy, more specifically the brain and its chemistries. Maybe if I know how it works, then I can fix it. That is my ever obsession, is it not? to fix things? myself being always one of them. then anything that crosses my path and could use handy help. problem is, sometimes I want to fix things that don’t need or want it. “it’s not that it’s broken. just that it can be better.”- ya fati, and who appointed you the world toolbox? stick to fixing your brain. – fair enough.
well, I will try to help myself, now in this space. perhaps a reminder of the things that draw a genuine smile on my face. like my newly purchased guitar and the idea that we will be taking guitar lessons outdoor come november, to enjoy music in its freedom.
crap. am i done already? that’s impossible. ok there is G, whose presence always puts me at ease, and i feel like i’m home, just knowing she’s close enough (and knowing you’re reading me). then there is the possibilities of the future, the plans for teaching, the dreams of writing, the aspirations to travel. all nice fati, but lets stick to the here and now. what makes you happy here. what makes you happy now. what makes you happy that is not circumstantial – again, fair enough.
I love my granola breakfast, and my coffee from Nepal plantations. I like that I am working on affirmations daily, and proactively working to happiness or at least sans depression. I spent last night practicing the guitar and then sharpening pencils. sharpening pencils is therapeutic believe me. i have a whole mug of freshly chopped lead, and I can write as much as i want before any of it runs out. (isn’t that just super awesome) I like that my office space is coming together nicely….. i really don’t know. but it seems sufficient enough, no? and maybe even i’m feeling a little better already.
how about this one fati. I love that you care enough to be a better person, and not just for yourself but because you are conscientious of your affect on people around you, and while fixing the world is not your responsibility, you still want and believe and aspire to make whatever little differences you can on a day to day basis. you care about everything and everyone, and you give unreservedly, your spirit is ever generous even when it has run out of love for itself. you are strong even in your weakest, and in your weakest you surrender to your human condition with humility and grace. you are learning that glory is not the ultimate goal, and that living, being, existing, is all that matters. you dare to change who you are, and dare to be open to the differences of others, no matter how much it can shake your own sense of self.
believe there is more that can make you happy, especially beyond what is clear within your blurred vision. just wait, and it will show itself to you. whether from within, or elsewhere.