hi. so, the last two days have definitely seen an improvement, and i’m proud of my capacity to find the light. for even when I am blind, I know that the rest of my senses are at least, smarter than my eyes… I have, as such, recognised some key ‘facts’. not scientific in nature, like water molecules are 2Hydrogens and 1Oxygen. Facts like “this is what i have learned in this experience, and for now, it is guiding me just fine”.
1- The emotional journey is a cycle. and it is normal, to feel the ranges of ups and downs. even necessary, as a human being, and more so as a writer/artist. so it is ok. haha.
2- even when we have reached some platform of enlightenment, it doesn’t mean that we will just sit there forever, or move to another platform of higher enlightenment necessarily. as emotional journeys take circular or zig zag routes, as does clarity, understanding, connection with universal energies. because at some point i had felt like i reached the wow of enlightened existence. and then realised at some junction that even though i knew ‘enlightenment’ by memory, i was in a cloud of doubt, and couldn’t grasp what my memory had to offer.
3- and very importantly. we are told that distractions are no good. if you have a problem, face it with no distractions, got a job, focus until your eyes pop out. whatever… distractions have worked great for me of late. now, they can be deadly, and certainly a terrible notion if they are used to run away from the truth. but if you need moments of exhale, moments of forgetting who you are at this little passing moment, when the mirror is ever so cruel… a distraction serves like a buffer, slows the process so that you can catch up to it. these distractions ought have another name, maybe I can call them “palette cleansers”.
i allowed myself distractions which have in turn become healing in their nature. like playing the guitar. i love practicing, and in the moment i hold my new love in my arms, I am no where else but with the strings that respond to me faithfully and loyally – she embraces me back as I hold on to her. then there are outings, lunch and a whatever with a friend, with a someone who understands my pain, or someone that has no clue.. either way, it served as a reminder that human connection is like a life jacket.
4- last but not least, and most importantly for today… to travel back to your roots, and find that ground again. I had realised that the last x months of my life, I have had no time for reflection, not a moment to digest all the happenings (and I am one generally with very eventful days)- hence when I had attempted my launch into happiness, into a new me, I did so where I was so far from the ground. silly it is to jump when you’re in mid-air already.
So i sought my oldest friends (by time and by soul), I sought the ones whose hands were there when my roots were planted. my phone on silent, and i’ve retracted to some extent from the new (except for the guitar). I am, and shall continue the attempts at journaling. still a bit hard… but that is the very root of me after all. and only when i’ve gotten my feet back on the ground, will a jump resonate all the strength which my legs have built in the process of a journey to today.
(see i have a major deja vu here, because i know i’ve realised all these before. and it pisses me off, that I have to go through it again. but that’s just the ego talking i suppose.) (ya Fats, go back to point 1 and 2 pls. ).
anyhow, that’s all… work calls and something something…