it’s a funny thing, the math assumed by people for the combination of their emotions, time, and attention.
a many people in their ‘giving’ of love, do so with some form of expectation for mutual reciprocity. This is normal and i am no judge on this.
but my thoughts here today are not on the giver of love with expectation, but on the receiver of it- does he have his own kind of math?
before i go exploring, i want to pose why it is that i’m playing with the question.
see, i know that my sentimental expressions and the ways in which i show and shower with love, are rather intense. i know because i’m told so. haha. but i also know because i recognise that i am indeed a very romantic friend. i love to love my loved ones. i love hugs cuddles and kisses, and buying flowers, and writing letters, i love buying gifts and i love being there when i’m needed.
plainly, it fills me with life to show love, for me this is how i matter, it is for how intensely, purposefully, mindfully and sincerely i can love.
meanwhile, the recipients of my affections receive my doting in different configurations, in varying rations of passion. and there are some, who receive it with an intensity ad nauseam perhaps. and i always supposed that my sentimental advances could be perhaps overwhelming and daunting. i remember worrying at times that my emotions would be a burden to those who my emotions feel for.
recently i was taken aback by a very “friendly complaint” (lol, because i don’t know how else to label it now), that i am perhaps hard to keep up with, a recipient of my most intense of affections assumed his own math of how much he should be returning of my love, and i don’t know, i think he may have felt inadequate and then unfair to me.
but i felt that i was the one being unfair. why?
when i first coined the sensation that ‘being loved is a burden’, it is because i realised myself years ago to be withheld in the anxiety of how much my parents and sister loved me, how much they are affected by my actions and general state. i would want to be happy, and content, or whatever have you, so that they wouldn’t have to worry or feel guilty. it was heavy on me, their love.
Later, when i came about my intent awareness to love unshackled and unguarded, i learnt that my heart has depths and heights with extreme conditions, LOL, and well, because it feels so damn great to ride my own rushing skipping heart, i would let myself fall and swoon with all my might.
now, imagine if i took someone into such a depth in my heart, imagine going diving without gear? that’s just not possible, if you want to breath, and the deeper you go, i assume, the more supply you may need. and here i am, throwing a first time diver into my most extreme depths, sans oxygen. oh lord!!! fati you royal idiot. lol.
i know that when you love, sincerely, then the reality is that you want nothing in return, only that the person who is the object of this affection, allow themselves to bask in it and stay warm and comfortable.
But just because i have personally not accounted for any of whatever i give, doesn’t mean that my recipient is not sensing some form of tally, or i don’t know, an obligation to honour my love? This is perhaps the first time i have encountered a response of this kind, maybe others have felt it, but never expressed it, i cannot be certain. or even i could have forgotten… but this one sticks for sure.
to be aware of how i feel towards someone is hard enough, but still easily done.
but to understand what it feels like, to receive my kind of love in all its intensity…. the math and chaos of wanting or thinking one ought return it in ‘equal measure’… damn…