so all of a sudden, i am in France, and all of a sudden, i’m on holiday, and also all of a sudden, i am at peace; i am in an odd way home, i am, released from all which holds me uptight and anxious.
is this all it really takes to live? to step out of our life?
the last month, although seemingly relaxing, has had some sort of war in my being. I’ve been in the process of decision making for all sorts of affairs, determined for this change or that shift, for a specific sensation that is a settling of myself to fit into my skin without feeling all awkward and unsure, “is this me, or is this who i think i want to be?”…
i make up my mind, and then i retract, and then i’m all huff and puff, and then all shrunk in unsureness. but now it all seems to dissipate away, as though all such worries come from that land that is so far away, it hasn’t seen reality not even a day.
and instead, this green in all its sentiments, the sunshine warm and sure, the trees and their stories, this is real, this here i am certain of. i need not second guess what i’m feeling, nor is there a desperation for the therapist’s office to confirm that i’m losing my mind, and not just losing my mind. (if that makes sense).
So, is this the secret to confidence and knowing oneself? because i am most positively unshakeable when i am a stranger. i could be Susan or DimDuck, or Mrs. Darcy ( i wish) for all anyone or myself could care… and i love being DimDuck… because he doesn’t want anything other than to smile right back at the sunshine, and exhale along with the trees, and they will ask not what time i’m coming back home, or if i want to watch a movie with them, we equally don’t need each other. we equally love each other, and we equally expect not to expect.
and so suddenly, i am in France, no longer Fati, but just a stranger, who has no decision to make, other than… “time to get something to eat now”.
And that’s just what i’ll do.