some type of facts.

hi. so, the last two days have definitely seen an improvement, and i’m proud of my capacity to find the light. for even when I am blind, I know that the rest of my senses are at least, smarter than my eyes… I have, as such, recognised some key ‘facts’.  not scientific in nature, like water molecules are 2Hydrogens and 1Oxygen.  Facts like “this is what i have learned in this experience, and for now, it is guiding me just fine”.

1- The emotional journey is a cycle.  and it is normal, to feel the ranges of ups and downs. even necessary, as a human being, and more so as a writer/artist.  so it is ok. haha.

2- even when we have reached some platform of enlightenment, it doesn’t mean that we will just sit there forever, or move to another platform of higher enlightenment necessarily. as emotional journeys take circular or zig zag routes, as does clarity, understanding, connection with universal energies.  because at some point i had felt like i reached the wow of enlightened existence. and then realised at some junction that even though i knew ‘enlightenment’ by memory, i was in a cloud of doubt, and couldn’t grasp what my memory had to offer.

3- and very importantly.  we are told that distractions are no good. if you have a problem, face it with no distractions, got a job, focus until your eyes pop out. whatever… distractions have worked great for me of late.  now, they can be deadly, and certainly a terrible notion if they are used to run away from the truth.  but if you need moments of exhale, moments of forgetting who you are at this little passing moment, when the mirror is ever so cruel… a distraction serves like a buffer, slows the process so that you can catch up to it.  these distractions ought have another name, maybe I can call them “palette cleansers”.

i allowed myself distractions which have in turn become healing in their nature. like playing the guitar.  i love practicing, and in the moment i hold my new love in my arms, I am no where else but with the strings that respond to me faithfully and loyally – she embraces me back as I hold on to her.  then there are outings, lunch and a whatever with a friend, with a someone who understands my pain, or someone that has no clue.. either way, it served as a reminder that human connection is like a life jacket.

4- last but not least, and most importantly for today… to travel back to your roots, and find that ground again.  I had realised that the last x months of my life, I have had no time for reflection, not a moment to digest all the happenings (and I am one generally with very eventful days)- hence when I had attempted my launch into happiness, into a new me, I did so where I was so far from the ground.  silly it is to jump when you’re in mid-air already.

So i sought my oldest friends (by time and by soul), I sought the ones whose hands were there when my roots were planted.  my phone on silent, and i’ve retracted to some extent from the new (except for the guitar).  I am, and shall continue the attempts at journaling. still a bit hard… but that is the very root of me after all.  and only when i’ve gotten my feet back on the ground, will a jump resonate all the strength which my legs have built in the process of a journey to today.

(see i have a major deja vu here, because i know i’ve realised all these before. and it pisses me off, that I have to go through it again. but that’s just the ego talking i suppose.) (ya Fats, go back to point 1 and 2 pls. ).

anyhow, that’s all… work calls and something something…

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talking my way to happiness

For the love me, I am every oscillating between emotions high and low, and cannot find that specific release. But it is not the emotions that are the problem, so much as my incapacity to shake them off and let myself get busy with the things i must do.. like the job i need to finish up this morning, and the research i need to get through for the upcoming job next week.  I am up, rise and not so much shine, but early enough to get all that needs the getting done.  plus spend the friday with my family, to which I have ready packed a swim suit for a feel good jump in the pool.  I know it’s there, i just can’t see it (the feel good).

a part of me always wishes i had studied the human anatomy, more specifically the brain and its chemistries.  Maybe if I know how it works, then I can fix it. That is my ever obsession, is it not? to fix things?  myself being always one of them.  then anything that crosses my path and could use handy help. problem is, sometimes I want to fix things that don’t need or want it. “it’s not that it’s broken. just that it can be better.”- ya fati, and who appointed you the world toolbox? stick to fixing your brain. – fair enough.

well, I will try to help myself, now in this space.  perhaps a reminder of the things that draw a genuine smile on my face.  like my newly purchased guitar and the idea that we will be taking guitar lessons outdoor come november, to enjoy music in its freedom.

crap. am i done already? that’s impossible. ok there is G, whose presence always puts me at ease, and i feel like i’m home, just knowing she’s close enough (and knowing you’re reading me).  then there is the possibilities of the future, the plans for teaching, the dreams of writing, the aspirations to travel. all nice fati, but lets stick to the here and now. what makes you happy here. what makes you happy now. what makes you happy that is not circumstantial – again, fair enough.

I love my granola breakfast, and my coffee from Nepal plantations.  I like that I am working on affirmations daily, and proactively working to happiness or at least sans depression. I spent last night practicing the guitar and then sharpening pencils.  sharpening pencils is therapeutic believe me. i have a whole mug of freshly chopped lead, and I can write as much as i want before any of it runs out. (isn’t that just super awesome) I like that my office space is coming together nicely…..  i really don’t know. but it seems sufficient enough, no? and maybe even i’m feeling a little better already.

how about this one fati. I love that you care enough to be a better person, and not just for yourself but because you are conscientious of your affect on people around you, and while fixing the world is not your responsibility, you still want and believe and aspire to make whatever little differences you can on a day to day basis.  you care about everything and everyone, and you give unreservedly, your spirit is ever generous even when it has run out of love for itself.  you are strong even in your weakest, and in your weakest you surrender to your human condition with humility and grace.  you are learning that glory is not the ultimate goal, and that living, being, existing, is all that matters.  you dare to change who you are, and dare to be open to the differences of others, no matter how much it can shake your own sense of self. 

Total Moral:

believe there is more that can make you happy, especially beyond what is clear within your blurred vision.  just wait, and it will show itself to you.  whether from within, or elsewhere.

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my own kind of therapy

Heading back to see my therapist this morning. I look forward to such visits. While conversation with dear and loving friends always (well mostly) has its own magic on the psyche, it must be said that a professional and what tools they have are necessary.

i’m not saying all therapist or psychiatrists or life coaches are great. in fact, I had to go see quite a few to find the one who fit right for me.  Some are terrible, terrible, and God help their patients. anyway, besides the point. haha. (she does deter and babble much does she not?)

but then there is all types of therapy.  There is the buying of new furniture for my new office from ikea, as I had done yester. and then putting it together to slowly see your space come to form, as a casual and natural extension of yourself. (the task of some handi-work itself is good therapy)  then there is playing the guitar, and feeling my fingers getting numb and rough.  its the way the strings respond to me, the vibrations of sound reverberate into my stomach and chest as i play, i feel the music kissing my mouth.  i am, in the moment. there is waking up and realising that I have actually slept a whole night through (5 hours solid). and knowing because of it that I will be ok.  feeling like my mind is starting to relax some, hell i even feel the chemical difference in my brain. (is that possible?) Therapy is many things, and I discover little by little everyday.

Though at some point I could have pointed a million things that are happiness to me. (including a box of pencils).  today, it is a little harder for me simply as my better and clearer thoughts are locked away in a tower, and this girl can’t afford to wait for prince charming for the rescue. In fact it might be the wait that’s gotten her all crazy, right? lol.  I gotta be my own prince, my own kinda charming.  yep, as usual, fati to the rescue for fati. haha.

Total Moral:

here’s the thing, you can go to doctors all you want, but unless you take initiative for your own happiness, no hours on the couch will do that for you.  so what is happiness.  for today, its simple really, happiness (and natural therapy- like playing the guitar) is when you are able to live in your moment, when you are right there with, wielding it in your hand and letting it kiss your lips.

perhaps mindfulness, is the key to cease pointless thinking-ness

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Insomnia, Depression, Raging Hormones, and all the fun stuff…

It seems that my 6 month period of illness, and all the drugs ingested into body, mind, and soul (chemical, natural, and hormone- some still clashing in my system btw) has created a little monster in me… it seems that all the pain endured, and the related physical disassociations have caught up.  In good timing, to be fair.  This psyche state at least waited until the concoctions for crazy were complete, and said- here hun, I got a great dish for you. haha

Yes, another Insomnia spell like there ain’t no tomorrow. Though to be fair, I have managed up to 4 hours straight last night, and then 5 hours two nights ago.  apart from that, i’ve been lucky to get a maximum of 3 splintered hours on some nights, to none on others.  Anyway, this is just detail.

What happens to your body when it has missed out on sleep is one thing. What happens to your mind, is a whole hell lot worse.  First of all, I dither, dither dither.  A question like ‘want coffee’, becomes a psychological dilemma. “Do I? Do I, Do i want coffee..?” So desperately I ask like my life balance is in question.  It’s a combined no and a yes  and then another million points of view to anything, it’s an i don’t know even to everything.  Then obsessive thoughts, the Ego ever haunting my a.m. prattles and babbles.  The voices all over again, each louder than the other.  I am desperate for distractions. I cannot write in my journal. like there’s a block of concrete fire standing between me and my journals, I bloody kid you not.

Anyway, another doctor visit, another diagnosis of mild depression, another prescription of drugs which I generally prefer to get high on rather than medicate with. so naturally i refuse to take them.  So it gets me wondering, what is it about me and the many like me who are ever prone to these imbalances, and what is it about our experiences that makes it harder to get through without building some kind of monument of the occasion?

But like always, my intent awareness of this insomniac depressed state activates my will every immediately to get back on a happier track. went for a swim yesterday, buying a guitar tomorrow, (i’m taking guitar lessons). etc etc. anything, right, anything not to take anti depressants. lol.  though for the first time i’m tempted. but maybe its because for the first time I have let this state fully take over actions and extensions of myself onto others.  I cannot relate the whole story here, but needless to say- I do experience shame and guilt for being ever a worse version of myself.

Then there is my own and additional diagnosis for this state (other than being an after effect of illness and rampaging hormones).  I think the Ego is ‘consciously’ aware of my initiations to releases it from control.  It is terrifically terrifying, to suddenly feel blocks where my mind was, shackles where my will resides, barbed wires where my skin is supposed to be.  I say “mantras” of the new found hope and wisdom i’ve found in taking a new journey, but I feel none of it anymore.  its just play and repeat.  DAMN ME.  Why, Ego, why, I Ask you.  Do you not want happiness, dreams, alter-parallel horizons… all these things are inevitable in your release. It takes you going away, to get all the things you want gotten.

anyway, this is me for today.  As of last night I have given my self 3 challenges I am to maintain as best possible.  Continue regular swimming and some form of exercise. Write mini affirmation poems daily.  and nothing else for the publishing, coz my writing has been crap. and then journaling every night.  I think that’s fair and simple. no.

f

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I am in love, as I am human being

I think the way Love is defined and conducted is limiting, and defies the very nature of it.  Today, we are expected to fall in love with one person, to dedicate our ‘unconditional’, dire, intense, burning, flames of emotions.. to just one person. This person is to also be recipient of our sexual interest and desires.  These 2 concepts are fallacies as far as i’m concerned and absolutely ridiculous

We can and should be able to be in love with more than one person. wait wait… i’m going ahead of myself here… this has been in mind much lately, and i think i forgot that who ever is reading this, has not been hanging out in my mind… well, except for G. you’re always hanging out in my mind aren’t you, you nosy little…. haha. (sorry, side joke coz i know she’s reading)

A- Lets Define: What is it to be in love.  I think, I feel, I experienced.. that to be in love is to be in a state of devotion to a person, for who they are and for who they make you be.  To know, that in the deepest and farthest corners of my heart, where it is dark and hard to find your way, that this person will walk about like they’ve drawn out the map.  That there is a castle in my heart, and they sit at the top of that tower.  To be in love is to be enveloped, consumed even, by your affections for this person.  where reason and logic, time spent together or away, differences or similarities, all these things irrelevant.  you want to be a more beautiful more caring more considerate more kind more humble human because you want to deserve their affections.  and even if their affections don’t make their way to you, in the same intensity or color, you will still love them the same way.  you will still give without counting, keeping score.

B- There is a Difference between loving, and being in love: Now, there are people in my life who do not fit that description. while i do love them. friends and even perhaps semi-romantic relationships which do not fit my sensations of ‘in love’. actually no romantic relationship ever has. haha.  (i say romantic here in the way it is defined by the 21st century assumption of relationships- dating, sexual attraction, jealousy).  but i do love them for the time and space that brings them into my life.

C- What’s sex got to do with it: But then there is more than one human, more than one soul who I am deeply in love with.  whose arms are home for me, like G. I am a straight woman, and G is a woman. but she’s my first love.  she’s my first guard down, my first person I literally need her arms to feel safe, my first person that my emotions are the boss of me when it comes to.  between us two, I always look like the stronger one, but only she knows how much i need her. and that is enough for us both.  she used to be my metaphorical wife… i’ve had others since… lol.

D- My Poetry in love: then there is patrick, whose gay. so this also has nothing to do with sexual attraction or desire. but if I tell you that a year after he’s gone, I still cry like my heart has been ripped out of my chest just yesterday.  in my veins i love him, in my own name i love him. even now I think I could cry just talking about him, how beautiful his voice is, how much i love his lips and his long blonde hair, his chuckle.. the sweetest sound ever.  My muses, Pati and Julian.. and a new one joining them it seems… (but i’ll leave that for later) … how can I not be in love with them when they are fountains of poetry for me, when my soul erupts from their palms, and I become a river of humanity.

my list goes on, to some extent… and to each person I am in love with, they have come into my life and meant something to me that is uniquely theirs.  Even my devotion and the way that I carry out this love, the way I show it, is different for each.

E- The Total Moral:

I think that to be “in – love”, is exactly reflective to “being –  human”; where in is the being and love is human.   Like we love the mountains and the oceans with the same intensity, but we love each differently.  I think to be in love is a state of existence that we ought aspire to, and throw ourselves into with no restrain.  dare to be in love with your best friend, and not just love them. because when I “love” then it is an action, one that I can take back, one specifically I can control… but when you are in love, it is a state of existence, it is not in your control, your logic and pride and calculations have no meaning (special that EGO), its all gibberish.  There is not one castle in my heart, there are many. and to say that i can fit only one, is to say that I am limited, to say that I am poor. that my heart is small, and my will is weak.

Yes, this leaves me with a much higher probability of broken castles, my soul in despair… but hell, i’d take all that pain gladly, willingly, wanting-ly, for to be in love, is what makes me a human being.

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conversations with the Universe

The most astounding conversation went on recently, between myself and the Universe.

It started with my realised intent to listen closer, to be more mindful of the signs, of the gestures of love, of how the universe extends itself to me in kindness and sweet consideration.

then there was a friday morning, where I woke with tears in my eyes, for loving for missing for wanting Pesus, (my darling) and for feeling so alone.  So left behind, my broken being so unseen by others.  “Fati is a strong one, she takes care of herself right?” (so she keeps trying to let go of)

I felt as though no matter my extended initiatives to people, that is the extent of our interaction.  time, calls, words, were all given only ever in return– and not as an original source of the exchange. So I decided to have a social experiment. I would hold myself back. extend nothing. and see if someone, anyone, would try to find me.

my God, it didn’t take even 24 hours. People who I would rarely hear from, a friend who never ditches work, and decides we should have breakfast on a whim, a joke to break the silence of my 3 am insomnia. an apology, a letter, they all came rushing. the Universe it came rushing to me…

my darling you are never alone, I hold your hands with every step you take. I pave for you the road so that you would find your way, and I bring you roses every morning. my darling you are never alone, for all my designs are divine, even the direction where a broken leaf wanders to, I create its gentle rustle, all for you to smile. Cheer up little girl, smile my poet, trust without waiting my warrior.  these roads for you, they are filled with promises. 

I heard it all. clearly, loudly, gently, intensely. I knew that I should never doubt again.

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about the EGO (in particular Fati’s ego)

I hope you believe me when I say my Ego is cunning, wily, and an ever calculating fox.  Here are some adjectives I would give it, with corresponding explanations of when…

1- Manipulative (by default). Even as a teen, I was aware that I could manipulate teachers and student peers to my likings. To the point of changing a whole activity in PE class (which had the highest votes to play football, and I wanted to play hockey) – we ended up playing hockey of course. haha. (yes yes that’s my ego laughing). but this is a small instance, and done on purpose. This is not so bad as when I am manipulating others without even my awareness of doing it.

I caught myself once manipulating my brother at the family business to take a certain stance on a matter, which lead to certain actions.  Now while I had the best interest of the company at heart, the way in which I lead his emotional and mental perception, was underhanded and might I say calculating. I swear I was not aware that my actions were manipulative. It was just the way i went about it, it was “instinctive”. when all said and done, and I got the results i wanted, I realised how I had done it. honestly, I was ever so angry and ashamed at myself.

2- Exclusive: My ego presents itself to me as a protector.  It tells me that I don’t need anyone to be happy, to survive, to help me get through pain or hardship.  When I first went to the Pranic Healer, and he asked me who my guardian angel was, my “instinctive” reaction was “I am my own guardian”.  The Ego has taken me all to itself, refusing to share me with any other. Blinding me even to the fact that “I am not alone”.  Growing up I had bad experiences with friendships, where overnight all the girls at school would turn against me (because of my faulty honesty).  I believe this is where the Ego kicked in, to protect a little girl from being harmed by bullies, from being broken.  Yes it held me together… but then by default, it kept holding me together and holding me apart from others. even when I didn’t need it to.

3- Concrete like, Determined and Resilient. Yes yes. all seeming great qualities for an individual. and true, the Ego has made of me a persevering individual. But this resilience has held me at bay where the heart could have leaped.  When I fell in love, ever a while ago, the Ego would not let me have it. So much that my mind could never entertain romantic dreams of the person i loved. it convinced me that I couldn’t love him because as soon, if, my thoughts would drift to his embrace, my head would (i kid you not) shake violently, no no no, this is not right.  It did not want me to bear any of hope or rejection, specially here, specially with this man. This man is now long gone from my reach.

Then there is my now attempts at meditation, and at going further into my unconscious state in order to reach the subconscious (this is a WHOLE story/post/ telling of its own- will get there eventually). but basically, whenever i feel myself slipping into ‘wholeness’ with the energy of the universe, the ego starts to loosen up… and then just when -eh – about- eh -to… it WAKES. no no, it bloody jolts… “no no no fati, no honey, you’re not going there”. and I am back at my forefront consciousness.  …. double darnit

Now, Credit to the EGO:

It has given me much. It has allowed me to triumph where else I would have fallen. I used to be in love with my EGO at some point. and have heard the joke “how do you get through the door with an Ego that big”, “I walk in sideways” laughing and proud I would be. I knew who i was, I knew what i wanted, i knew everything. i knew i was smart, i knew i was special, and unique, i knew i was a force to be reckoned with.  (this is not good, trust me)

but more than that, it was also the ego that has pulled me out of certain depressions, that has made me get up after a failure and try again. because “fati sweetie (or sometimes, fati you dimwit) this is not acceptable, now get up and go get em”.  it gave me all of harsh love and good love.  but now…

now, in following the post just before this (where I expressed my ultimate insecurity of being un-lovable romantically) the Ego came into play again. and its been telling me the following:

1- Fati, you don’t need to be loved in that way, you don’t need it and you know that romance is no necessary ingredient for happiness.

2- Fati, some of us built this way, are done so for a specific reason. it’s because you are designed as special and unique, and there are bigger plans for you in the world. God has a role for you, and you cannot deter from it.

3- you’ve never needed people to make you happy. you are sufficient for all your needs. you are a warrior, and you must travel alone, you must be your protector, your own embracer, your own…

BUT AND THEN,

Damn it. Back in the day when this record was played in my head, it strengthened me. it gave me a sword and a shield, and it pushed me onwards and forwards, with resilience, with blind determination to actualise my ‘calling’ and my role for this world, for the people in it.

But now… as urged as I am, I really am trying to resist being convinced by this. The Ego, it takes a hold of me, and then I try with all my might to take it off, like a layer of clothing on for so long it has embedded itself as part of my skin.

for the first time ever, I rather feel lonely than strong. it’s harder than you think.

yours truly-fatimasque.

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